So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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