HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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