Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize