I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Still dying that you shit outside
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Randomize
