you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
