Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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