Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
