i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Randomize
