We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize