I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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