So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
