Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
