dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
