I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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