I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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