I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
