you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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