I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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