i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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