I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
