even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
