Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
