And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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