Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
