There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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