If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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