if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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