Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The uberlube is also flammable
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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