im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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