Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
