he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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