I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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