Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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