Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My liver just had a heart attack.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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