Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
