also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
