I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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