Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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