So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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