I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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