two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
