I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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