i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
