apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
