your thong is hanging out like whoa
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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