Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Bring me that man meat
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
