I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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