do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You left your phone here
Wait...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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