Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
