I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
