Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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