My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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