Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
