Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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