Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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