Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
