woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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